why don't people take me seriously. why don't they treat me like an adult. but why would they? i look like i'm 15, never say anything of immense importance, am shorter than most people's level of vision. i'm not an outstanding student, great athlete, or talented musician. just sarah. plain little sarah.
why is every dream a nightmare, taking me back to the days i wish i could forget. my heart is so raw from being stripped & left out in the cold. every night is the same. i think i've closed myself off for good, but it still controls me. always reminding me of what i had & what is now lost. i don't ever want to wake up because it means i'll have to go through it again.
why are the words "best friend" only true when you're 5. i surround myself with people i call friends, but sometimes i wonder where they are when i need them most. do they care that i feel trapped inside my own skin, that i put on a mask & pretend i actually like who i am.
why is my outward appearance so important to me. i refuse to miss a workout, & hate myself if i do. food controls me. it's a monster i can't run from so i don't even try. i just accept that that's the way it's going to be so i might as well try to enjoy it. but i don't. guilt haunts me with every bite.
why did i ever want to be a mom & wife. i don't even know if i want kids or a husband anymore, which scares me because that's all i ever wanted in life. a family to call my own. but my heart is made to wander. it's scared to stay in one place too long. i was born to flit & float, keeping happiness at arm's length.
why is love so heartbreaking. it's supposed to be the greatest emotion, the most wonderful feeling a human heart will ever experience. ha. the joke's on me. i hate love, hate that i gave it all, trusted it with everything i had, & fed it my dreams. what do i get in return? scars. ugly, jaded scars.
why do i listen to these lies & let them ruin my life. do i have more to offer than i actually believe? where is my passion? what are my desires? where is my love?
wherever my hope is.