scaredy cat

"on the other side of fear lies freedom."

i'll admit it: i'm afraid. of lots of things. afraid to try new things, afraid to meet people, afraid to be myself. it's pathetic really, how comfortable i've become in my shell--a personal prison cell. i'm not happy here, not content with the way i've created walls around my heart. but it's too hard to try and break them down. is the freedom on the other side worth the pain, the humiliation?

it's been a strange day. the weather is gray, rainy at times, melancholy. just the way i like it. yet that hasn't stopped the majority of campus from donning bright red attire, painting their faces, & playing games in anticipation of the first home football game. ugh. thousands of people all together in a huge stadium screaming & cheering, taking pictures with their new besties, & flirting with the nearest opposite gender. maybe i'm just not cut out for college, maybe i'm just not meant to be a people person, maybe maybe maybe. so many excuses run through my mind as i try to justify why i'm not in attendance with the rest of my fellow students.  like i said, i hate huge crowds. reason number one. i also hate meeting new people. reason number two. so, it's safe to say i've justified this situation & gotten away with it just fine.

but underneath it all, excuses aside, i know the real reason is because i'm afraid. i have such a fear of people, believe it or not. i don't know why. it frustrates me more than anything else. i have a fear of being in a situation that annoys me, stretches me, makes me uncomfortable. but above all else, i have a fear that i'll look back someday with regret & wonder why the hell i was so afraid when the only person stopping me was myself.

a little girl i met this summer wrote me a note: "i'll never forget you. i love you & will miss you. you are brave." a four year old telling me i'm brave?! if only she knew how much those last three words meant to me. rarely do i feel that way, but she must've seen something in me that i didn't know existed.

i just hope i stumble upon it before it's too late.