airport confessions

I used to hate people.

Correction: I used to think I hated people when really, I hated myself. But that's because I didn't really know who I was & as a result, I didn't really know people. I'm glad to say things have changed.

2012 has been a year of discovery for me. Discovering myself, different parts of the world, types of people, & food [the fat kid in me was introduced to the world this year]. Most normal people go through a discovery phase in high school, after trying on all the stereotypes. Most normal people have a lot of friends who helped [or hindered] who they became as an adult. Most normal people know who they are or at least understand themselves [ok maybe that's a bit of a stretch]. Screw normal. I tend to do things out of order, a bit late, or never at all. That being said, 2012 is like my [very delayed] high school career, minus prom & excessive drama. I'm ok with that.

There is no better way to start off a year than with a trip to Europe. I ran away to Italy, hoping to leave the person I despised but was forced to live with behind. Somehow she followed me, but our journey together wasn't bad, but rather truly wonderful. Walls came down, wounds healed for good. My utterly crazy self that was locked up inside finally felt comfortable enough to come out of the dark & in return, let people in. It was the best feeling in the world. To be vulnerable & honest with someone & not be ashamed. To be completely crazy & get weird looks, but also invite those onlookers to act equally as strange. And enjoy it. To have late night talks, listening to the cries of the neglected hearts, the doubts of searching souls. Moments like these are so fragile, so fleeting. They shouldn't be. And so, with new knowledge, a new perspective, & a nearly new me, I trekked home & promised myself I would never return to that dark prison cell again.

It was hard. I was scared to come home, scared to move on & start over somewhere new. But if there's anything I've learned this year, it's that change is good. It keeps us guessing, helps us discover new parts of ourselves, introduces us to people we later wonder how we had once lived without. And so, with change in one hand & a W-2 form in the other, I hugged the fam goodbye & headed out on a new adventure to Cannon Beach, Oregon. At first I really didn't like it; why are people so judgmental? why can't I fit in here? what's stopping me from being myself like I promised I would be? It took some time, but slowly I realized that the only person stopping me from being me was me. So throwing all cares to the sea [or ocean since I lived there... I know, I know, cheesy] I went crazy. For some odd reason, people liked it & before long, I started liking people back. I worked nearly 24/7 [and that's not much of an exaggeration] but had a blast. I got lots of bruises, burns & cuts, but prefer to call them gnarly battle scars. It was the best summer ever [said in valley girl voice]!!! Having to say goodbye & not wanting to is something new for me so the fact that it happened twice this year both broke my heart & made me smile [not in that sick happy way but rather the i-have-so-many-good-memories-and-i'll-love-you-forever way. just had to clarify].

Now what? Currently I'm sitting in the Phoenix airport getting ready to head back to LU to finish MY LAST SEMESTER. It's the last place I want to be, but it's MY LAST SEMESTER. Plus my sister will be with me. And who knows, maybe there's something else I have yet to discover in the 'Burg. 2012's not over yet. Ready or not, here I come.

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