behind the mask

lately i've been asking so many questions, but haven't really found answers. something's prompting me to look deep inside myself, but i get scared & pretend to be busy so i don't have to take the plunge. maybe i'm just tired of going through the motions... of living in this Christian bubble. sure, i can put on the good girl face & use all the correct lingo [i'm currently taking theology & i've realized i know very little about my faith] but at the end of the day, i could just be another lost soul.

i know the truth. i know what i should believe. but do i actually believe it?

i've been taught these things my entire life. i was saved when i was 3 years old. God was never a question or a doubt in my mind. you'd think i would be at the "top of my game" when it came to christianity. but as each day passes, i feel myself drifting farther away from what i know should be my top priority. i have no passion... i have no desire.

right about now the question am i even saved? enters my mind. i believe with everything in me that i have been rescued from death, that Jesus paid the price for my sins. i know the Holy Spirit lives within me, otherwise i wouldn't be feeling so convicted... right?

as i sit here in the grass with the wind blowing around me, the words I AM come to mind. to even the greatest, godliest men in history, God defined Himself as I AM. which really is no definition at all. more like a fill in the blank since He is everything beautiful, good & perfect. so who am i to demand the Creator of the world show Himself to me? i should be the one opening myself to Him, falling flat on my face in awe & wonder.

this post doesn't really have an end, a conclusion, a finish. it ends the same way it started: with more unanswered questions. yet somehow i have a feeling of peace... peace not of my own doing, but of something--Someone--working within me.

maybe i don't need to know all the answers... just faith in a God who does.

I AM who I AM.

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