what i found at the end of the tunnel

after reading too many inspirational quotes, procrastinating so much that it should be recognized on my transcripts, & wailing "i can't do this anymore, i have senioritis!" for the past 3 1/2 years [yes, even freshmen get senioritis...or is that laziness? heh...] i. am. nearly. done. this girl is soon to be a college graduate, baby! i've done my time, signed my signature, and can finally say "Peace out!" to the textbooks. so much relief. and terrifying excitement.

now that i'm finally allowed to move on, i get to be that college grad girl i dreamed about. i can't wait to stock up my fridge with healthy food. to finally put my mad pinterest skills to use & DIY my entire house. to walk the city streets confidently in a blazer & heels...wait, what am i saying?! i don't own a fridge, much less a house & definitely not the budget to afford buying gluten, dairy, corn, GMO & high fructose corn syrup free locally grown food every week. i also can't walk in heels in case you wanted to know.

the other day i found myself wondering what kind of shampoo i should start buying now that i'll be a working professional & an individual fighting for her "individualness" in the real world. SHAMPOO, people. i don't know where these ideas came from-- i'm no professional & God knows i'd rather die than work an 8-5 job in a cubicle every day. i guess now that i've flown out of the nest i feel the expectation to be somebody important, to get started on climbing that career ladder, & one day have my name in the headlines. we all deserve our 15 minutes of fame, right?

who am i kidding. it was a success for me just to make it through college in one piece. there's no way i'm going to be that organic eating, yoga practicing, tree hugging Portlander or the sophisticated "let's go out for drinks after work in our business casual/designer pantsuits!" feminist. but you know what? that's totally fine by me. it's been a long time coming, but i'm slowly discovering that those people who are calm, cool & collected--and i'll admit i sometimes envy--are NOT me. no matter how many masks i try on, i'm still gonna be that nearly psycho girl who laughs at everything that's not meant to be funny, who shops in her grandma's closet, who packs away the food like the Y2K is making a comeback. 

i'm not aiming to be somebody great, to make my name famous [unless of course it happens accidentally because of some weird thing i did or because i look like i copy my style after a couch from the 60's]. but i plan to do something great. to help even one individual in my life would be an accomplishment. i plan to be a nobody & travel to places most people dream about. to learn, to love, to try new things despite my fears. i plan to have a family & love my kids more than life itself. and also dress them in the cutest outfits. watch out, gapkids. but mostly, i plan to live outside myself. to slap myself in the face when needed as a reminder that this life is not about me. it's not my world. it's about love. about people. about you. and that, my friends, is where i found the light at the end of the tunnel. 

storm on the horizon

i haven't written for a while. in all honesty, i haven't known what to write. i stare at the blank page wishing words to appear on the screen, & when they do, i just hit delete. nothing feels right.

i think a lot. too much. about myself. way too much. and so to write, i feel like i'd just write about myself. which we all know is a boring subject. so what's this about, then? i don't really know.

if you only knew how many times i've written and rewritten this post. i guess i'm just not ready yet to write. taking a hiatus from the ol' pen and paper. but that's ok. i'm still alive, still processing life in my cynical, crazy way. still surviving. but starting to thrive again.

eventually i'll find something worthwhile to scribble about. i can't wait. but for now, my mind's wildly brainstorming. the thunder & lightning will come soon enough.